Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice