Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.