i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
