can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
