How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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