I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
