you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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