I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My cat gives me a boner
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
