I can text with my tongue
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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