When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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