Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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