Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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