May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
