I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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