Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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