He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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