Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
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you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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