Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
MIDGETS
????
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
