chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
