it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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