i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
