glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
