She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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