Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
