Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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