Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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