Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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