we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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