There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
