I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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