and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
