Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....