he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs