does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me