If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
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I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed