So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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