i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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