she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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