i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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