Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
