just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
