i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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