Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
