I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
