You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
