you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
