I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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