You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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