sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
