do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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