I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
