I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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