i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
