He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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