Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
