Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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