I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
