Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
