Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
