The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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